Hiatus

2009-07-07T05:31:36Z

Other than occasional commenting, I think I'm going to take a break from LJ for a while. I used to post here constantly and these days, I can barely come up with something once a week if I'm lucky. My heart's just not in it right now, particularly since the majority of staying in touch I do with anyone anymore seems to happen in other places. So many folks have moved on and those on my friends list are either people I communicate with in other ways or don't communicate with at all. LJ is just feeling a little deserted these days and I don't have the motivation to keep it up when I have so many other things going on.

I'll get back to posting sooner or later, I'm sure. But for now, there are plenty of other places to find me if you'd like to stay in touch.

Figuring out the Whys

2009-07-02T04:59:12Z

Why is it so easy to fire off an angry e-mail when I'm too hurt and upset to think straight... yet so difficult to send one about apology and forgiveness, love and understanding? Why don't I hesitate to send things I know I'll regret, yet sit here for days wondering whether to send words I do mean as if they're the ones I should be thinking twice about?

I suppose we all have our own defenses when we're hurt and have no idea what else to do. Some push it down and ignore it, some brood quietly, some choose escape or go silent until they've had time to think, some lose themselves in other things.
For me? I guess anger is my last resort, when I don't feel that I can communicate in any other way. I don't fear using it because it's my shield... enough self-righteous rage supersedes the underlying hurt, at least for the time being. Hard to think beyond that... just wanting the hurt to go away and seeing no other way to resolve it.

That's the easy part. Human nature to push away pain, even if our methods of doing so are somewhat questionable.

The hard part is the aftermath. The part that wants to take it all back. Not being upset, but for the way I reacted to it. The part that wants to explain that the more hurt I am and the longer I've been left to dwell on it, the harder I try to push it away and lash out at it. The pain, not the person behind it, even though it might be impossible to distinguish between the two at the time.

How can I even begin to justify that now? How can I not be hesitant to intrude, especially in situations where things were left off so badly?

It's so much more difficult when the two people in question react to hurt in such opposite ways. One needs time alone to process, time being a positive thing that cools and clarifies things in their head. The other prefers to resolve things as quickly as possible, time without some measure of understanding is a negative thing that only causes increasing hurt and confusion for them.

One sees unexplained silence as the ultimate rejection, the other surely sees harsh but fleeting words in much the same way. I suppose both would be pretty clear indicators of rejection, not understanding the motivations behind them. Far too easy to only look at how you perceive the world, what certain actions would mean if you were the one invoking them. I suppose you never get anywhere until you realize you're not.

I know I react angrily because I care. I want others to understand, to know how I feel, even when it's negative at the time. And the more I care, the more passionate my reaction is. In my world, just going silent on someone with no communication or explanation whatsoever would be the one thing I would only do if I absolutely didn't care in any way. And that's been in the back of my head all along..."this person must not care at all if they can do this."
... failing to recognize the obvious reality of us being opposites in this respect, of course. That perhaps their silence works in much the same way. If I avoid silence out of love because I actually do care, maybe they choose avoiding harsh words by taking a bit of solitude for the same reason.

I get it now.

Now of course, being after I've said too many things that I can't take back, because I did take that prolonged silence as the worst possible form of rejection and reacted accordingly at the time. Reacted to what that much silence would mean from me, because I didn't understand it from any perspective other than my own.

Irreparable at this point? I really don't know.

Frustrating that it's this that has always been the ultimate impasse. Seems like we've been able to resolve everything else, once we've gotten to a place where we were both able to communicate rationally and just talk about it. Past their silence and my anger, middle ground usually ends up being a positive place that leads to greater understanding. Just seems to take so much wasted time and needless hurt to get there.

It's never the issues themselves... it's always been me misinterpreting silence after we've had a misunderstanding as rejection or abandonment and reacting angrily, to the point where it causes a complete estrangement between us by my own doing. Unable to perceive it before as anything but absolute rejection, I'd react by cutting all ties with them myself. Never because I wanted to, only because I wanted some control over what seemed to be already happening anyway. I didn't want to leave them, just didn't want to be the one getting left with no say in the matter.

Would my reactions be that drastic now, finally understanding this? I seriously doubt it. It was never the silence in and of itself that got me so much, only what I interpreted it to mean by my own standards of behavior. There's certainly a lot less fear, confusion and hurt in realizing "they just need to be alone because that's how they work when they're upset about something and need time to think" rather than thinking "wow, this is how I'd reject someone I really didn't care about in the coldest way I possibly could, so that must be what's happening here."

Being opposite in any respect can lead to frustrations, but also where people often learn the most from each other. In my case, I doubt I would have ever come to these realizations without silence and time to think, which I don't do enough of when I'm upset. A little more patience and reservation is something I could clearly stand to learn, rather than blowing up and saying things I don't even mean.
On their part, wouldn't necessarily be terrible if they spoke up a little more often and let me know when they're upset, or at least didn't let the silences linger quite so long. Independently, we're both probably a little extreme in our ways. The balance between the two, upon realizing that there actually is one? Grounds for a pretty satisfactory compromise, if these differences had been fully acknowledged and understood to begin with.

I just wish I had realized all of this sooner. Could have avoided so much pointless angst and misunderstanding.

Protecting myself from any threat of rejection by rejecting first...
I'm done with it.

Finally having the belated realization that leaving for the wrong reasons hurts worse than being left anyway certainly helps with that. Something I never want to do again, unless it's what I honestly want. And in this case, it definitely wasn't.
The threat is always there that anyone I love may never want to talk to me again at any point. But that's their choice, as it should've been all along, rather than me trying to beat them to the punch at the first indication that it might be happening. Indication that in retrospect, was probably pretty damn erroneous to begin with in most cases.

Self protection... how very pointless in this respect. As if being without someone you love and don't want to lose hurts any less no matter who severs ties.

I'm done trying to make assumptions or figure out where others stand or what they want, beyond what is freely shared. All I can really do is worry about myself and where I stand, communicate that to the best of my ability and let the chips fall where they may. Probably would've been better off if I had done more of that to begin with, but sometimes it's only hindsight that shows us what's been blatantly obvious all along.

I've been so fucking blind. Amazing how everything that actually should matter can be so completely obscured by pride, fears and false assumptions. Especially when you don't even realize it's those factors controlling you to begin with.

It's been a while...

2009-06-01T22:17:28Z

... since I made any fan videos. I think the last one was a year ago, right after David Cook won American Idol.
I should make more time for it like I used to. I always forget how fun and relaxing it is and how much it inspires my creativity, just arranging and blending music and video clips. Rather time consuming, but usually very soothing.

Not so much with this one though, it just gave me a raging libido instead. I think this would qualify less as some innocent fan video and more gratuitous porn. Good thing too, that's exactly what I was going for. heh

I'm really liking the results, even though I'd like them a lot better if YouTube wasn't so notorious for butchering quality. The HQ version is still beautiful though.

... Whispers in the Dark...

Hiatus

Figuring out the Whys

It's been a while...